Originally published by me in Your Teen Magazine (at their request): Coping with Divorce, Personal Stories / Winter 2012 issue, page 15
With divorce, most dads are not the custodial parent, and therefore, the dad has little or no control over the daily decisions. For many reasons, dads may allow the mom to be the custodial parent, including financial necessity, lack of comfort with being a pseudo full-time dad or lack of desire. Often attorneys and psychologists advise this traditional route.
I believe that dads should do whatever it takes to get full joint legal and custodial custody, even if equal splitting of time means not having a “primary” home. Many psychologists advise against this and recommend that the child should have a primary residence, but I disagree. Don’t be left out of your kids’ lives. Step up and commit to being available for your children right from the beginning. Be a steady influence in their lives so that when they are teens, and they pull away for their own reasons, you remain a constant enduring presence.
I learned that no matter what it took, I needed to stay involved and be a steady presence. Because my 14- and 16-year-old daughters lost the simple feeling of, “I love my Daddy,” parenting became much more difficult. But, no matter what, I stayed present. Now, when they ask why they have to be at my house when all they do is stay in their rooms or watch TV in the den (while doing their best to ignore me), I tell them that just their presence is important to me.
Nothing can replace face-to-face interactions with my daughters. Although I do social media for a living, I never communicate with them through social media. I occasionally check Facebook to see what they are doing, but the last thing they want is their dad communicating with them in a visible format. When necessary, I send texts and phone calls. Although they rarely check email, I always send one before I fly to tell them I love them (just in case), so they will always know. Our most important moments are face-to-face, when I am truly paying attention and being involved in what they do.
Due to my work in social media marketing, I’ve built deep, rewarding relationships with many Mom Bloggers. Because I reveal my status as a divorced dad of teenage girls, the moms share valuable advice that I hope has made me a better, more sensitive and insightful dad. I have been asked, “If I had just one hour with my girls, what would I do?” At this point, I would choose anything that would be doing “with” them. When they were young, and I had a real choice, I would choose swimming because it was so interactive. Now, I make myself available when opportunites present themselves..
Being an involved dad has changed my life. Everything I do is all about what I can do for my kids and how I can make the world and their lives better. In business, I preach about the importance of relationships. I hope to pass this legacy on to my girls: It’s All About Relationships.
My dreams have changed because of being a dad. My dream day now is skiing (or doing anything together) with my girls and them truly wanting to be there with me… just like when they were young and we enjoyed those very special ski days. I want my daughters to know that I love them unconditionally, and to make a difference in the lives of others… even if only with a smile and kindness.
Ted, we are going to have so much fun tonight at #DadChat. I almost wish we were discussing THIS TOPIC because I sort of disagree with you.
Split custody – meaning equal time rather than split legal custody – favors mom and dad but DOES NOT favor the kids. I remember all too well the comment I got from my son’s kindergarten teacher when I informed her that I was getting divorced.
She said she knew the common outcome – especially where we were living in a somewhat upscale community – was split custody. But she said ALL the kids in those homes, when asked where they live replied, “I don’t know.”
It made me realize that if dad and mom REALLY want what’s best for the kids, they should choose ONE home for the kids during the school week. Arrange enough other time – summer and holidays – and afternoons/evenings out during school weeks, that the ultimate split is near even.
AND, it should be the parent who has the most DAY time available who should have that responsibility.
I think I will make this a topic – actually I want to do the general topic of divorce on #DadChat. Who do we know who would be a great co-host and is wise on this subject?
“See” you tonight, TR!
My simple response is that I speak from “difficult” experience, and a great deal of painfully acquired knowledge. The so-called “experts” do not truly understand, nor do they grasp how many Dads get left behind in the most commonly accepted practice of one custodial parent. No matter what is written into an agreement, the parent who is the custodian is in control if they decide it to be that way… and in the end it is the kids that do the suffering. More important to have Dad in your life than wondering about a primary home.
There’s unfortunately no easy solution here and I feel for those who must make such decisions. Ted, making yourself available to your kids & being as involved as you are is just what they need.
Whatever allows BOTH residences to be safe/happy/nurturing places for the kids is the pivotal piece in the equation.
Quality always trumps quantity!
Great input Angela. Hear , hear!
I really enjoyed hearing this perspective. You seem like a loving, involved father and it’s admirable.
Based on my experience, I would guess that the reason psychologists suggest that mothers be the custodial parent is because many fathers cannot meet the emotional needs of children. My ex is a decent father, and loves our daughter, but he seems relieved he only has to be a full-time parent for about six days per month. Sometimes I think men are just not hard-wired for the self-sacrifice that is involved in being a parent.
It is totally ok for one to do more of the parenting that the other, naturally the one more inclined or with time, but having full joint legal and custodial rights, so there is no assigned custodial parent holding on and possibly manipulating those rights is so very important for many Dads. It keeps options open, and limits the ability to manipulate and alienate for both.
I think that children should have the opportunity to be with both parents. So many of our friends have gotten divorced and they have all chosen for the one week with mom/one week with dad (or two week periods) This has worked really well. Both parents need to split responsibility of the children when getting a divorce. If you are working full time there are a lot of hassles re picking up, driving to practices, making dinners, homework etc. There is an endless list of responsibilities and obligations. If you made the choice to have children it’s not something you can quit like a job just because you don’t like the job description.
I absolutely agree.
As a divorced father for 7 years with children much younger than yours I’m hesitant to blanket that dads should have joint custody. I know that contradicts what I often write about but at a young age (in my case 2 and 10 months) the best decision made was to have them in a stable home and while I was frustrated and often humiliated at having ‘visitation rights’ I stand by the decision.
Whether that had a long term impact the point is my children have acclimated to the ping-pong lifestyle better than I could have ever imagined. And I don’t think it was because of a joint/non-joint arrangement it was because I was involved and their mother and I put our differences aside.
Just want to point out again that joint custody does not have to mean splitting time down the middle and not having a primary home. It meas that Dad has full joint rights and there is no assigned “custodial” parent who can manipulate visitation and co-parenting.
Ted, you are more of an inspiration than you realize. Not just to dads but to moms. As I work through the process of a divorce, I have agreed to joint legal custody but not joint physical custody. In our case, there is more involved such as alcohol abuse. I encourage him to come over and read to the kids when he is available before bed. We also call the kids before bed when the other parent has them. I want to be friends at the very least so that we can both be parents. It’s sad to see men and women manipulate the children for selfish reasons.
Your daughters will truly appreciate everything you have done even if they don’t realize it now!
Gena… sorry to hear you are going through a divorce, can be so emotionally draining. So glad to hear you understand your children need to be free to love both parents. Thanks for the comment… means a great deal to me. Here is another related post… https://www.tedrubin17.wpengine.com/the-right-of-children-to-freely-love-both-parents/
I believe that it is truly in the best interests of the children when both parents stay actively involved so kudos to you. That often works well when the two homes are within close proximity but the emphasis is on “home” rather than “house.” There’s a world of difference between the two.
@Bruce – Questions from people like the teacher asking, “Where do you live?” I feel are trick questions because the answer isn’t as plain and simple as the asker would like. It displays more of a prejudice against divorce than an interest in supporting a child through one of life’s crises.
Great points Mandy. Thanks so much for the input.
“I believe that dads should do whatever it takes to get full joint legal and custodial custody, even if equal splitting of time means not having a “primary” home”.Wow, that’s quite the blanket generalization. My ex is a terrible father. In truth, he’s not a nice person. He’s is an abuser, liar, manipulator, and a secret bi-sexual transvestite (thus the divorce). Our children fear him, and I think probably hate him. The latest, is that my middle child’s therapist as suggested emancipation as a way to finally end the forced court ordered visitation for her. My purpose in writing this is just to point out that sometimes joint custody is not in the best interest of the kids. Please to not tell dad’s to “never give up”. My ex fought for nearly 2 years and got very limited visitation. But it wasn’t the supervised visitation I had requested. There is a reason some parents have limited contact.
Ive been divorced for over a year now. I have 2 children one 16 and one 10. Its really hard on me when I have to take the kids home. I live about 1.5 hours from them and it seem like every time I get them, they cant wait to get back home. We always do some activity together, wether it be put-put golfing, going to movie, throwing the frisbie around whatever it may be. I feel like they dont even really want to be here with me. Am I doing something wrong? I told my daughter that I miss and think of them often and asked if she missed me and she noted that shes getting used to it now…. They never call, its always me who checks in on them. Wondering if Im just fading in their minds? Know this must be a common thing, but would like some input on all this…. Thanks
Thanks for the input Mike. The first thing that jumps out at me is how far away you live. I understand you may have roots, etc., but I went through the same thing when my ex moved over an hour away and with daughters in their teen years you have to consider moving close if you want a chance of maintaining a relationship especially with a 16 year old. She does not want to leave her friends, and as I found with my girls, the ability to easily go back home for something they forgot or end up needing makes a world of difference. Mine rarely, if ever, call me either… many times that is because they are scourged fro doing so at home either directly or indirectly, and also as they become teens they lose that interest. So keep calling, take what you get on the phone, do not make a lot of demands on their telephone time… and by all means move close to them if at all possible. Just my two cents from the learning I have done over the past 10 years. Good luck!
Great post! I think this sheds a light on the aftermath of divorce. It was touching to read this. Keep up the good work and I wish you all the best.-Chris Thompson
Appreciate the comment, and good wishes Chris. Make it a great weekend.
Really great post. I’m currently working my way through divorce and it’s been incredibly difficult dealing with getting through the legal hoops while trying maintain healthy relationships with friends and family. Obviously, my relationship with my spouse isn’t good, but I’m struggling to stay positive and be myself around others. Divorce needs to be made easier. Im in Canada and even the courthouse clerks don’t know half the questions I ask. I’m trying out this website http://www.thistoo.co to help me. I would recmmend to others in Canada! Thanks, Alice.
Thanks Alice, appreciate hearing that. And think you for your input and sharing. Good luck, do everything you can to keep the kids out of the crossfire, and #NoLetUp!