Coping as a Divorced Dad… All About Attitude

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on Jun 1, 14 • by • with 9 Comments

Niki left this morning and I’m depressed. Miss her being around already. Not a surprise that her Mom always schedules visits to Sunday Matinees, family parties, or anything else she can think of on my weekends… they are getting shorter and shorter and she will be off to college in just over another year

I am deciding to default to happy and just get over it. Bike ride, work, hopefully a buddy stopping by for a Cuban cigar and some singe malt this evening, then back to work. Definitely time for a bike ride and attitude adjustment, then back to work… will be a late night.

I have learned that at this point it is better to take the pressure off my girls and disengage from such debates. In addition that is exactly what their Mom wants me to do, and I am done with that… not giving her the platform for dispute. I have changed my expectations, will always be present and available, and will never give up on my girls… no matter what.

Niki.Dad Thanksgiving Friday 2013

Thanksgiving Friday 2013

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9 Responses to: Coping as a Divorced Dad… All About...

  1. Claudya says:

    Wise man, wise dad.

  2. This is so true and a much healthier way to deal with a bad co-parenting situation. My son’s father had many issues and his main goal was to punish me regardless of the collateral damage. We spent years and a small fortune in family court fighting about nothing. Most of it so ridiculous that the judge did not want to be bothered. He passed away 3 years ago and before he died I visited him to ask him 3 questions: (1) what he really wanted; (2) why did he make everything a fight; and (3) could I have done anything to make it better – and his response was he did not know what he wanted, he just wanted to make my life hard and there was not a thing I could do to make things better, he had years of plans to take me down. Then he told me I was an amazing mother and he could never have raised our child without my help. I was dumbfounded, it was all for nothing and so senseless and had he not died we would still be fighting…. There are so many people stuck in this same situation – stepping back takes the power away. Thanks for sharing Ted, you are in a hard situation. Enjoy the bike ride, single malt and cuban!

  3. All I want to do is wrap my arms round you man and hug you. You are a great Dad – I’ve known that intuitively for ages – ever since I stumbled across you and read something you wrote about being a parent. I felt immediately drawn to you.
    Some day I’ll tell you my story about how I experienced it – becoming a “divorced” dad. But each drama is unique and all that matters is that you are well enough to be yourself. On that basis – you are great for them.
    Everything you do speaks for the person you are – the love you give to others. You are a deeply loving father and that’s why you won’t let yourself be consumed by stuff that’s good for noone.
    Bikes are good, so too is writing poetry. Cigars – it’s donkey’s years since I used to smoke Cubans – so I give you that one.
    “Default to happy” – we could all do with that approach: let’s make a happier world for everyone to experience.
    I’m going to wing my phone number to you (even though it’s a transatlantic call and the rates are probably extortionate). It can be another golf club in your bag – and (for this purpose) there is no rule of 14.
    Who invented the phrase “we’ll not let your fail”? You’re one of the really good guys.
    Your socks apprentice,
    Paul

  4. Good attitude to have. Growing up in a divorced family and feeling like a pawn between my two parents games, left a bitter taste in my mouth for that parent. Bravo for you!

  5. Karla says:

    It’s hard. I’m sorry. How we encourage our kids to treat others in the family comes back around sooner or later because they learn from our behaviors. We all want respect but if we don’t teach our kids respect for the other parent that will come back and bite the one who didn’t in attitude, time, money-you name it. It affects everything they become and who we become too.

  6. Brett Byrd says:

    Hey Ted,

    I feel ya. It will get easier. Trust me. I’ve been a divorced dad for 17 years and every minute of I have been worried about how my son will perceive me. I’m glad to say that him and I are closer than any other divorced father son duo I’ve been around. He still comes up behind me and hugs me and calls me for advice on a regular basis. I truly believe that the all those years (13) that I would fly out to Illinois to pick him up and bring him back to California for a visit and then fly back to drop him off b/c his mom wouldn’t let him travel alone have paid off. It’s about consistency and not getting wrapped up in the ex-spouse battle that will make a difference. Although you and are yet to meet, you seem like a guy with a great heart and love for your girls, continue to show them that unconditionally and they will forever value their relationship with you. Stay strong and keep sporting the sweet socks!
    All things good,
    Brett

  7. Ted Rubin says:

    Thank you all for your comments, input and support :-)

  8. Excellent Ted, I dig your approach. I can imagine how difficult it must be at times, but you’re doing the right thing. Force negates, power attracts. Love your mindset. Thanks for sharing :)

  9. Ted Rubin says:

    Thanks Ryan :-)

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